Of note ...I sometimes fail to verbally reflect the struggle in my identity. Who I actually am loses to the idea of who I could be. It makes me look stronger than I am. More aware. More confident.
And so, if you happened to compare yourself to me (Please no!!!) you might think "I wish I could be like her," when I'm over here thinking the very same thing about this person I have projected into the web. I wish I could be like her, too. She is an anticipation ... a hope ... a desire to be ... a recognition of process.
She is a glimpse of what could be, though maybe not the only possibility or even the best one.
Right this very minute ... I'm fighting with the universe and losing.
Oh, I'm not losing anything valuable. (I hope.) I have this sense that I'm being given something I didn't even know existed ... something too beautiful to comprehend yet, because I haven't seen it. (Read more)
Please forgive my temporary anonymity ... it sets me free to speak in a way usually reserved for my closest friends. It may seem odd for me to say I'm not strong enough to be this vulnerable in writing yet, since I am obviously writing here.
I've got some heavy automated shields that drop into place when I feel threatened, after having far too many people cause severe damage in an effort to align me to their measure. Anonymity is the best secret tunnel to the truth that I can come up with. I'm debating my plan to reveal my name at the end of a year. We'll see where I am then.
FearKnow that I am afraid.
Afraid of causing harm.
Afraid I will give up or hide away before the end.
Afraid I will be hurt.
However, I'm living the change I hope to see in this world, since I think it's very important that we choose to be this transparent in relationships. It is so beautiful to learn from each other's actual lives. Sometimes resolved life stories told in retrospect seem idealized, since the questions are already answered. We'll see if this results in a more honest story.
This is my courage. This is my love.
Thank you for your patience with me as I process questions as they arise; make mistakes; and hopefully learn, heal, and grow.
Things you should know about me.
- My life will let you know what I really believe whether I intend it to or not, so I'll just stay outside of the predefined boxes, thank you. I'm tired of people feeling betrayed after discovering I don't believe exactly what they do.
- I was kicked out of my long-term church and lost most of my local friends for leaving my husband (after 15 years of emotional and sexual abuse) when I discovered he was dating another woman. All things considered, we brought out the worst in each other. I'm discovering so many emotional landmines from those years of conflict, and this blog is one place where I attempt to identify and defuse them.
- I have three children, aged 15-11. They still love me, even though I regularly have to apologize to them for failing to parent well. Somehow, we manage to grow together anyway.
- I challenge everything I believe to the best of my ability because I'm tired of believing things just because I've always been told to. I try to teach my children to do the same, because it's not enough to just do what you're told. We have to experience the questions to discover how to live.
- I "can't not" believe in God. I really, really tried to break that belief, just to see if I could. But I do have a cognitive understanding of the many logical reasons why some people don't believe in the existence of such a being.
- I appreciate getting to know and understand kind people who think differently than I do. They teach me to see the world in new ways, and a broader perspective develops wisdom. It's not my role to make people think like me. Rather, I can only be prepared to expose my thoughts to new quality tests in every conversation.
- I grew up as a third culture kid. Though I have lived in the USA for 17 years as an adult, I still feel dislocated and out of place. But that's excellent, because it comes with an alternate perspective on life that is fascinating and fun on many levels.
- Antagonistic debate and emotional manipulation are triggers for me, and I tend to become panicky even hearing those tactics used on TV or radio. At first I didn't want to put comments on this blog, but I do like talking to people, so we'll try it.
- I've given all my closest friends nicknames. Ree, Nick, Mica, Ian ... these four have entrusted me with permission to write about and quote them. Also, there are Hawk, Marie, and more who may gain official nicknames eventually. Others in my life are referred to by initials that may or may not belong to them, thus protecting their privacy even when I do one day let you know who I am.
- Read these articles to understand a little about where I've been. When it comes to inner wounds there is no scale that makes pain not hurt in comparison. This is simply the way things were, for me. If you've been hurt, too, I can't claim to have suffered the same. I would comfort you anyway.
- Facing the nightmares of the past (Trigger warning for rape survivors, skip the first paragraph)
- Trigger Warning - Rape happens in marriage, too.
- When people try to change who you are (Spiritual and emotional abuse)
- I thought I'd never 'fall in love' again (Wounds of emotional abuse and betrayal)
- How to choose the wrong guy (The mistakes I made for the sake of "love")