Monday, September 2, 2013

I thought I'd never 'fall in love' again ...

I wrote the following letter in my journal, then thought long and hard before sending it to Hawk. I'm doing my best to be respectful of his reservations, but also to be as honest as I am with my other friends. This time I sent it. Who knows how he'll respond.

I'm probably not the only one who has gone through this process after thinking they'd never love again, which is why I'm sharing the story here too.

I've always been so relieved to discover others who are going through what I'm facing, so I'm hoping to share the feeling with you.

The Letter:

Remember how you talked about seeing the campfire surrounded by people you didn't know, and how that atmosphere was pleasant to you even though you weren't part of the circle?

Often the world seems cold and dark, dangerous and difficult. Some people are like the stars, distant reminders (some from the past) that there is light and beauty in the night. Some are closer, present, or separated by a fence or hedge through which I only glimpse their light … some invite me into the circle … some do not. Either way, I benefit from the sight.

I have my own fire, too, a place of comfort and of challenge, a place where I welcome friends and family. I try to keep the fences down so the people who need me can draw near easily, knowing that this is a small thing that might mean a lot to someone, as it does to me.

In my heart there was a space I thought had been completely annihilated.

I felt blinded so I could not see it clearly, deafened so I could not hear it speak, and my nerves seemed to have been cut so it could not be touched. I thought that portion would always remain isolated, a living death in the darkness, drowned beneath the tears I never had the chance to weep before they were locked away. It seemed obvious nothing and nobody could reach inside.

I chose to compensate by making the rest of my life as bright and warm as possible, but that particular emptiness continued to silently drag me back toward depression.

Then, last Nov/Dec your presence effortlessly took flame in the center of that shattered place. I couldn't help but see your light, hear your voice, feel the warmth of your character even from a distance. It was and is beautiful, painful, frightening, and amazing. Because of you that part of my existence is open so I can face it properly. I can at last begin to dig out the lies, reconstruct with truth, and heal.

It is as if God is letting me know that even such severe damage is not a hopeless case. There may always be scars … but scars can be transformed to beauty with creativity. I don't have to wait till 'heaven' to start.

You will always be significant to me ... because just your existence is enough to remind me to continue forward. It's impossible not to hope I can give you meaningful gifts, too, somehow.

So ... thank you for being who you are. I'm glad God designed you and arranged for me to have the opportunity to know you better.