I found a letter I wrote to my abusive X before the divorce ... Have you ever wondered how abused people think?

And this was after I learned to speak up...

This letter was written to my X during the last three years of our "marriage".

In this post, I'm responding to myself in the past, correcting a few of those old perspectives. I wonder what I'll think of it after a few more years of healing?This might be helpful to you or someone you know. I hope so. It is encouraging to me, at least.
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To XXXX, (Name erased to keep people sane.)

I'm glad you're working on our marriage with me. (Really? He was working on our marriage? How sweet of me to think so.) I'm relieved to know it's important enough to you that you will try to face it. I always wonder, you know, if it's the kids or myself that keeps you here. 

Actually, it was neither. Well, he really thought his desire to control me was love, and still thinks he loves the people who please him. Oh, well. We had always been convenient to manipulate, so he stayed with us because we played our roles in his dramas. In the end, I had to play the unsubmissive wife and pay the social price of being the one to leave. We both wanted the role of misunderstood victim, and it wasn't working very well, since he didn't think I deserved it.

So, let's face the worst of it for you again. The thing I wrote you about earlier this year. 

I figured out at some point that talking about solving HIS problems might mean he'd actually hear some of what I said.

What if I never change? Do you think you can love me the way I am now, and somehow find a way to be happy with me and compensate for my weaknesses?... I've been myself my whole life.

 It took me long enough to realize that I was actually a person, not a malleable plastic doll for him to customize.

In fifth grade I was spanked every day by the teacher because I daydreamed in class.  (From what mom says, it was probably 3rd grade. She's still apologizing for not having realized what was going on sooner.) Every day. I got used to it. Expected it. And I never learned not to daydream. I do it even now. But I loved and respected that teacher, even though she was wrong in how she handled the situation. I still love and respect her. She wanted me to be a better person and the only way she could see to do that was to change me. It was because she loved me. 

Wow! That was super-abusive, and I used to think I deserved it. "Of course" one must beat a child for daydreaming. Hah! I think spanking isn't as helpful as people make it out to be, and might just teach kids that if people don't do what you want it's okay to hit. My kids respond far better to constructive methods, and I was so messed up and controlling back when I conformed to the spanking paradigm. I'm surprised my kids still love me.

Even my dorm parents had the same trouble with me. I would forget tasks, move when it was better to be still, come up with impulsive ideas that they wouldn't understand. I was often yelled at and also spanked by them. Not so frequently, but enough so I remember it. I was always the neglectful one, the one with her head in the clouds. Even back then I failed when I tried to be different. 

And this is pretty much how I saw myself. A failure at being someone worthy. When any person who happens to have some power over anyone fails to accept anything other than their own idea of how individuals should live, then they WILL teach the same awful lies about those they judge that they believe themselves. Only their followers end up hating themselves and idealizing their abusers, reflecting that wrong mindset as instructed. Nice work for "leaders" who claimed to be acting as god's representatives. I do not think God is who you think he is.

Yet somehow, I was still a friend to many people, even when I was completely convinced by the adults in my life that I was worthless, that I needed to change. I couldn't believe these people were my friends, but I loved them all the same, and they came to me when they needed someone to be there for them. I didn't even notice that this was my strength back then. I loved them while hating myself for being worthless. And sometimes I was the only one who could break someone out of their shell. Later in high school and even after graduating, people began to tell me what they had seen in me back then. But I didn't really believe it was worth much, though I treasured those people whom I loved and still do even though I am still the same me that daydreamed every day, even though I knew I would have a spanking. 

I really didn't believe I was worthy of friends. Everyone who was remotely nice came across as a radiantly beneficent being, above other humans in their ability to tolerate my unworthiness.

So, for years I've been trying to change this self. Gradually I've learned that God is using me even though I'm me. 

You know, even mistaken understandings of God can be brighter than the lies they replace. I'm thankful to be beyond this point now, but back then it was a relief to think of God as skillful enough to compensate for having such a disaster of a person as myself attempting to follow him, replacing the idea that he was unable to do a thing with me and had rejected me entirely.

But, for some reason, it's not enough for you, being myself. Like everyone else, you hate compensating for my weaknesses. (I still felt that God must feel the same way.) I am a burden because of them, and not a strength or a help to you. I want to change. I've always wanted to be different. But I have not managed it, nor has God suddenly and miraculously seen fit to bestow these abilities on me.So, what are we to do? The possibility of dramatic change is minimal. I am better now than ten years ago, but still not good enough.

Shockingly, I'm quite capable of accomplishing many things when they are in my skill set and calling. I can outwork most people when it comes to the things I'm designed to do. Who knew? Maybe I'm not supposed to be different than myself. Maybe I'm "good enough" as I am. Maybe I don't have to be accomplished at "everything" even if it's practical. Maybe I would actually have to be a different person to be skilled at different things? Huh. Maybe the people who expected me to change were ... WRONG! And maybe it's okay to consider dishes a "project" to do when I have the need or inclination instead of a sign of my worthiness.

And now there is something physical as well, to complicate the picture. It's not just self-discipline. There will be times when I genuinely can't take care of myself, never mind you and the kids. They may become few and far between with healthy lifestyle changes and discipline, but those times will occur.

This "something physical" is severe chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia brought on by constant stress. The one time I was forced to go to a psychologist by my husband--in hopes I would be labeled with something to show I was the one with a problem--she suggested during our first meeting that I consider leaving my husband. Turns out her prescription was spot on, even though I gasped in shock and rejected the idea at the time. Since leaving, I'm much more healthy and continually improving. I might even be capable of holding down a part time job now, two+ years after leaving him. Though I'm using that energy to build a business that can adjust around any flare-ups, thanks to my parent's support and encouragement.

I can't expect people to come in from outside to take care of me, and you don't want to. I obviously can do some of it on my own most of the time, but sometimes even that is too much. So who do I turn to? Who will help me when I can't help myself? Who will be there when the world turns dark and my mind fades until I can't remember what I was thinking or what might be possible? Will you? Can you do it, and without bitterness or anger? I want to believe you can. 

Yup, I just couldn't believe he didn't even care. Somewhere, somehow, it must matter to him, or how could he say he loved me? It was very, very difficult to believe he actually didn't have the character I wished he had, and that he would verbally claim to have. He was not the good person I was trying to believe in. Believing lies about people, even their own lies, isn't constructive for relationship.

Right now it's like in fifth grade again. I'm punished every day. Frustration. Anger. Resentment. I can't even see that you love me. 

Which is because he didn't love me. He loved the way I would sometimes make him feel, and tried his best to make me make him feel that way all the time. In other words, he used me like a drug to stimulate himself and as a tool to take care of him, and when I couldn't fulfill that role ... well ... Let's just say it's easy to be nice when you feel you have what you deserve, and not so easy when you're deprived of your addiction.

I love you. I want to believe it's because you want the best for me, and the only way you can see for that to happen is to change me. But. I think I keep breaking even more because of it. I can expect it. (his treatment of me) I can live with it. I can love even inside it. Because God does give me that, even if He doesn't give me what I really want ... to be different than I am. 

Yeah. The only reason I wanted it is because other people wouldn't accept me, and I wanted to be accepted. Turns out I like myself after all! Oh, and my long list of close friends also accept me. So there!, past self, you had no clue how lovable you are!

I'm still in a debate if I can call my emotional relationship to him "love" I was so warped and messed up and deluded and afraid ... Can that really be called love? I used to wish one of us would die, preferably him so I could take care of the kids in peace. So ... yeah. I hope he has a positive life now that I'm not there to annoy him, but it's more important to me that he has the experiences that will take him out of his twisted perspective and into a more healthy relationship with people. Generally, though, I just don't care unless it affects the kids or myself.

I want you to see.
I wish you could see how treasured I am, and by a lot of people. I don't claim this lightly. These are things I've been informed of directly, sometimes by the person themselves or by a second party. I have helped lead people to Christ. God used me to pull multiple people out of depression. I encourage people and God has used me that way since I was a child. I love because God gave me that ability. I reach out because I can't help but do it when I am obeying. I create beauty because it's another way of sharing light. I write because God uses it to encourage and correct the thinking of those who read it. 

Yes. I am worthless. 

Holy SMOKING weapon of truth ... Aaaaugh! I was so blind. You know, I really didn't believe the above list was valid proof of my worth. It didn't even occur to me that God doesn't maintain worthless people. I exist because I have value. Well, the God I followed back then was pretty much a man-behind-the-curtain, and an evil one, too. But still ... *shudder*

But that's okay, because God has used me to bless others anyway. It isn't my worth that matters. It's God's. And He has always compensated for me. 

Well, today I wouldn't say he compensates. It's more like he's really happy that he made me, just like I get all excited over my artwork even while it's in process. If it wasn't beautiful and worthwhile to me, I wouldn't make it.

I just don't understand why it never seems to be enough for you. Is it because I don't give you what I give even to random strangers? Am I so empty that I can't see you? Are you my blind place? So many people are thankful, even for something so simple as my smile! I'm always telling God that it's a mystery to me how He can use something so small to bring grace. But He has reassured me, in spite of your insistence that what I do is worth nothing, that it is indeed treasured by more people than even I know! Maybe this is how He strengthens me to face you. I don't know. 

It took over ONE HUNDRED people saying positive things about me to counteract the small handful of X, his family, and his church telling me all the things that were wrong with me. That is how powerfully destructive such words in the hands of people who don't leave room for personal integrity are, my friends.

People don't stay in abusive relationships because they want to be treated that way. They stay because they really can NOT see any other way, and might not even know who they are if they're not abused. They stay because abusers are naturally against personal boundaries, and invade into personal decision-making places without even noticing that is what they are doing. Victims stay because they become used to the decisions being made for them, and they only are supposed to follow. Even the smallest act of rebellion or personal decision-making is equal to lifting a 500lb weight. If you were them you might not be able to do it after having your boundaries eroded that way, and it takes training to learn to NOTICE, never mind fight against it, which is why so many end up in another abusive relationship after escaping the one they were in.

And if you think a friend saying, "they are lying" is powerful enough to counteract that strong of an attack, then you are severely deluded. You can't become like the abuser and take over the decision, or you'll just further the victim's beliefs that they deserve to have decisions made for them because they're worthless. But you can be consistent in exposing their lies, verbal about what you think, and strongly on the victim's side,... and extremely, extremely careful that nothing you say could be misunderstood as agreeing with the abusers. And then, rally the troops if you can. It will take time, teamwork, and dependability to break through the wall the abusers build in those they control, especially if they've had enough time to brainwash their victim, or are building on a previous pattern remaining in a survivor.

Or is it possible you don't see who I am? That you don't see what God is doing in me, because you have your own plan for how things ought to be and I don't fit the image? 

BINGO! That's the nutshell, folks.

And this is one reason why emotional compatibility MIGHT be more important than religious checklists if you're going to talk about "equal yokes" as Evangelicals are so fond of doing. The fact is, some people really are not capable of seeing the value in certain types of people--or women--for some reason. Maybe it's religious/social programs or emotional damage, but it's a real thing and not something you fix by "submitting" to it.

So, I'm wondering.
What will you do if I don't change? What will you do if my health gets worse, as it very well might? What will you do if I need help? What if I really need support in my brokenness in order to do what I can do? Support. Not condemnation and punishment for not being different than I am for yet another day.
Do you want to know what support looks like?
It looks like [ex-friend #1] calling around, herself, to find someone to give me a ride so I could join choir. It looks like a couple I don't even know faithfully picking me up and taking me there. It looks like others supporting me so I don't fall down walking on and off the stage so I can stand there and sing. Yes, I can sing, and I DID sing. But in order to do so, I needed everyone who participated in bringing me to the point where I could do the singing part. God used each of them where they were strong so I could be strong too. 

Oh, he made a huge deal about, "You can sing in the choir, so you can do this checklist of household tasks, too. Why are you lying about being sick?" I couldn't persuade him I wasn't lying.

And then God blessed me to help with the arrangement of the choir as well, something needed and important, that I could not have done if I were not there. And I was able to give something back to the whole choir that they struggled with without me, something God gifted to me so I could be strong to shore up a weak place. 

This was to contradict the, "You're useless to everyone," constant commentary. I really acted like I was in court, bringing witnesses. It's sad that I felt the need to do so.

When others support my brokenness, then I can be where I am needed, to be what I already am and use the gifts God has already given me. That's what the church is. And that's what marriage should be too.
So why is it that even my strengths don't seem to reach you? Why do you only see my brokenness? Should you really be with someone you despise so much? 

You know. I think this last question should be the first one they ask in marriage counselling. Or maybe, "Does someone who despises you so much deserve to be in a relationship with you?" I think an honest answer would solve the hidden divorce rate.

I consider "hidden divorce" to be those who haven't dissolved the legal partnership even though they are strangling each other's spirits, which can't really be marriage, can it? Please agree that's not marriage!!! If God looks on the heart, as they love to quote, then surely he is not saying, "How nice they are still together!" as a husband pours vitriol down his wife's throat day in and day out, poisoning her view of God and the universe in general, and treating God's own handiwork like trash. Or as she attempts to manipulate him into giving her love by treating him like god-incarnate.

I can't change because of your anger. Anger has never changed me and it never will. It only breaks me further, disables my heart, and clouds my ability to find the first step as I tremble in fear that it will turn out to be the wrong step even after I take it. 

 A hard-won insight.

I told you that, remember? That I would try to stop responding that way. That I would do my best to do right because it is right, and to let you know when something is beyond my ability. But I can't resist your anger. Eventually I broke down and started responding as always, directed by wrath and jolted by the strength of your frustration, even when I knew the task would be too much for me.
I've forgotten so much. How can I remember how many times I've failed to be what you desire me to be? I probably deserve your anger. Anyone would be frustrated with me, remaining who I am, with the same weaknesses, and never improving, never changing, never overcoming them. 

Actually, no. There are many, many people who can't even conceive of being frustrated with me for being who I am. Also, frustration tends to show up when you don't get your own way. That's it. A healthy person recognizes this as being their own response, not something forced on them by someone else's actions. In the same situations, others would NOT feel the same way.

There is no first step anymore. God is already gracious where I am. Of course I will want to glorify Him. This will come through in the way I live. Sometimes I will be weak. But God uses me in other ways when I am physically weak. Sometimes I will be strong, and I will do those things I am given to do when I am strong. He will place new habits in my life, and remove those that don't glorify Him.
This week I learned something.
God isn't like my fifth grade teacher, or like my dorm parents, or like you. 

Yaaaay! I'm so glad I finally figured that out.

It must be ... interesting ... to be God and see how your reputation is affected by all these humans using your name and saying who you are all the time, without much care for your actual character. Of course, it's not surprising given that nobody is taught to open their spirit for a direct connection these days. We all "relate by proxy" by reading letters or listening to others talk about someone who is sitting right there, wanting to converse personally.

He loves me right now as I am. And He promises that if I'm willing to relinquish myself to Him, that He will shore up my weaknesses, take my burdens, and use me as I am. I am not the one who will tell Him what that should look like. He tells me. 

Back then I still thought I was entirely wrong and needed to be replaced in order for God to connect with me. It was a bit like going to him, expecting to be slaughtered and rebuilt, and instead being invited in for tea and philosophy. It took me a while to realize there was no back room, full of blood, gore, and replacement parts.

I no longer see the times I hurt people, or am blind, or end up choosing the wrong actions, as insurmountable evil within that can never be lived down or healed. The times I realize that I don't approve of myself or the results of my actions are simply opportunities to learn how to do better, to attempt to heal or fix the damage, to try again.

Because I approach life from the standpoint of love, I will eventually notice and learn, even if I'm sometimes shocked at how long it takes to realize that I was causing damage. Sometimes doing what other people expect me to do is the wrong choice. Sometimes thinking of myself prevents me from noticing I'm causing harm. It's impossible to always get it right, especially when I'm functioning on a lot of unrecognized lies ... so I don't expect to be perfect right now, just consistently improving.

You know, it really is all about a relationship. By connecting with the Spirit, I see more clearly, and so it is easier to make better decisions and trust that good options are available. My spirit really can understand Wisdom when she speaks. If anything, I'm able to be the best of myself as I live forward. 

And He will bring people to shore up my weak points so I can serve Him. Even if it isn't you. Even if it's never going to be you, though you have first rights to that position. 

Well, I wouldn't call it "shoring up weak points" anymore, since I have strengths by life experience and design, and you have strengths for the same reasons ... and when we team up amazing things happen. Why anyone would call an inability to be everything to everyone a weakness is beyond me. It's like blaming a fork for failing to cut steak in long, thin slices.

Now, if you're talking about a fork actively going out and stabbing people, then it needs to learn not to act that way, but to really stop the fork it's going to have to care about the fact that stabbing people hurts them. Otherwise, it will just secretly want to stab people and blame anyone who stops them. <-- And this wasn't me. I was a fork trying to be a gourmet steak knife, not a fork stabbing people on purpose.

But God won't let you be a block to His use of me, even as He grows me because of you, so you will become an assistance to me whether you wish to or not. Either you will help Him strengthen me by supporting me, or you will help Him strengthen me by crushing me into ever-greater dependence on His strength. No matter what, you are a blessing from God, and I'm thankful for you, and for all the years of growing I've gone through with you. 

Well, my perceptions were a bit distorted.... God is good enough at using what's available to turn trash into treasure, but I don't think my ex's crappy treatment was a blessing. It was wrong, not okay, something for me to be protected from, and God did protect me the moment I gave up on the idea that I deserved to be treated that way and became willing to accept the "way of escape" that was offered to me all along.

But it was the creative process of healing that was the "blessing from God" ... not the trashy relationship. He's not going around breaking things so he can fix them, other than allowing broken things to fall away and make room for the better things instead. We just live in a world full of brokenness, and he's good at creating good things. You think consciously shaping something out of nothing is amazing, just watch someone make something beautiful out of something ugly. Now THAT is amazing.

And because I am married to you, you can call on those strengths that God has given me to help you. And I would be so glad to be strong for you, instead of always a frustration and a drain. I try. I'll keep trying. I'll be creative to find new ways to love you and support you. 

Sub-text:  Because we think I'm your savior ... you think I should be super-woman ... and you need me to patch the gaps because you won't be loving me. So I guess I'm your priestess-sacrifice ... and maybe you are my lord-god?.... It should be a country song or something. Gah!

Also, let me point out my excessive repetition of "God" in this email. Sounding religious was extremely-important in order to be taken seriously. If I didn't clearly say, at every turn, that God was responsible for the good things in my life, then I would be outing myself as a prideful arrogant woman, attempting to manipulate him into doing something evil, like respecting me or something. In fact, some of that mindset seems to have bled through into my responses ... *sigh* Oh, well. I leave you to figure out whether God was intrinsic to reality even before I over-exposed, highlighted, underlined, and caricatured his presence.

I just can't promise that it will look the way you want it to look. Because God's blessings almost never look the way I thought they would. It was easy to be bitter about it for a long time. But now? I'm so thankful, even when I don't understand how I can have become strong in God's grace so many ways ... and yet still remain completely broken when it comes to the only things you ask of me in our marriage. 

Well, I had no idea God was drawing me to respectfully bury our dead marriage instead of prancing the stinking skeleton around and pretending it was alive.

Even now, saying this makes me wince with retrospective angst over the label of "heresy" and accusation of pride. YES! God, the Holy Spirit ... Wisdom, herself, directed and guided me to leave my ex-husband ... actively and miraculously and personally. And I really don't expect anyone to believe me, any more than I expect them to believe in God after all the false images that are being projected of him everywhere.

I can only think God has another plan and His own time-table. So I'll trust Him to change me as He will. Until I understand I'll do my best to do what is right, in spite of my weaknesses.

And here I am today on a completely new path, using my strengths and insight from my experiences to encourage and support so many people.

Amazing to have come so far!

Nobody could ever have persuaded me that this was possible, but I have lived the path of freedom, healing, and growth ... and I will continue to live this journey.

In which he dreams about being engaged, and I realize I'm not being entirely honest with myself yet.

Recently I've been dreaming of Nick a lot. I don't have romantic dreams ... thankfully ... I'm not sure how I'd cope with that just now. Usually we're helping our friends on some epic quest, or I wake up convinced he's sleeping beside me, with a sense of support and comfort. I forget most of them ... keeping only the emotional memory of a dream with Nick, usually a residual feeling of confidence. 

Last night he dreamed of me. Since he's losing his voice right now, he typed it out in hangouts, and I have to admit I'm impatient for him to get his voice back for more than health, now. I want to hear his voice to get a real sense of  his internal process, because writing isn't his thing. 

The crazy part is that he dreamed a specific scenario that has been on my mind as I face the lingering romantic attraction I feel toward him. I never told him about it, because ... I'm in denial. 

He typed, "I had a dream that we got into a decade long engagement before getting married. Like 9 or 10 years!! The biggest irony is that after it all the dream ends with us setting a date and I get nervous cold feet about it. The marriage part is what woke me up." 

I've been thinking how difficult it is to even consider a romantic relationship right now, and not only because I panic every time I become interested in anyone. I can't easily move for the next 5-6 years while the kids are still legally attached to their father. Also, for the next ten years the kids will still be in school or college and that will affect my choices, too. Then, I'd need to find someone who can handle the fact that I fully intend to live in assorted countries for at least a few years, and possibly be somewhat nomadic for the rest of my life. 

I thought, even before I met Nick, that I should just see who ends up walking beside me over these coming years, and see whether we want to keep going on through life together once I'm finally out of the home-parenting stage. I'm not convinced there is anyone out there who could handle my specific set of circumstances "in a relationship" right now. 

So, yeah, long engagements without confidence for marriage, even after all that time.... 

I swear he read my mind with his dream. 

My reaction was a jumble of laughter, because the dream seemed so out of character for Nick (Does he ever think about getting engaged to anyone?... a question I want to ask now.) and a sudden rush of fear and introspection, which I unsuccessfully tried to communicate with him. It didn't help that he kept typing questions marks, leading me to explain further ... and dig myself in deeper without having a real sense of his response. 

So, yeah, ... chat isn't the place for depth with Nick. 

If I'd realized what I was going to do to myself, I would have saved it for voice once he recovers, because that's our communication-norm. I might not have gotten overwhelmed if I could have heard his tone in response to my craziness,... although I didn't realize I'd destabilize in the first place. Hindsight and all that. 

Humor quickly spun into panic. 

I feel both a very strong desire to be with Nick in a platonic, best-friends-forever way, and a desperate fear of my inclination to wonder about more. I know how crazy it makes me feel to even think about how our romantic-relationship needs for freedom and security could so easily clash and hurt us both, so I consciously put up a defensive wall around that idea and refuse to think about it. 

His dream knocked a hole through my self-protection, exposing strong ideas and feelings on the other side. 

I don't do well when I feel misunderstood, especially about relationship factors. While I trust him to accept me and work through stuff ... I also hate, hate, hate it when anything comes between us even for a few minutes. I told him I was feeling emotionally unsteady and he firmly reassured me that he didn't think my reaction was a big deal. Thankfully, I'm not losing my mind here. 

That's a huge thing for me. I trusted his word, and my emotions stabilized. A few years ago I'd have gone into at least a week of depression over that awkward conversation, convinced he was lying about it being okay, and reviewing it over and over in remembrance of how truly terrible I had been. Today, I'm not worried. I'd have to look up the conversation  to remember what we said. 

All the same, now I know something lurks ... or so it seems. *sigh*

I wonder if my wall will grow back before he regains his voice? If so, we might not talk about it again. I'm okay with not facing that particular emotional landmine just yet. Maybe never. I don't mind plateauing for a time. Sometimes I wish growing could wait while I just feel okay for a while. 

Past Judgment, Present Love

In spite of all I've forgotten, the memory swims up from the murky depths of my mind.

I'm sitting, hand clapped over my mouth, blocking a shocked gasp for air. "How could anyone call having multiple partners love?... They're so wrong!"

Oh, yes, I scorned those distant strangers whose eyes I had never seen, whose hearts I had never heard.

I--in my rotting marriage, coated with whitewash--felt proud to be better than those people.

I sneered.
I groaned.
I assumed.
I judged.

And then I went on with my miserable life without another thought for why or how they could live such different relationships than my own. After all, I assumed they couldn't possibly be doing better than me ... and I was distracted by my own destructive marriage, which wasn't nearly as exclusive as I assumed ... for either of us.

-

Today, it is perspective-changing to realize I deeply love and trust someone who is non-exclusive in all of his relationships.  I love him, so I must seriously consider how our relationship will develop in light of that knowledge.

There is a foundation-shaking irony in searching for an understandable description that fits his lifestyle, finding a polyamorous relationship blog; then realizing that these fascinating people are teaching me much that is worth knowing.

Seriously, this is the best article on consent I've ever read.

I desperately needed this information when I was a teen.

Above all, I have realized that Nick's respect for my individuality, personal honesty, and trusting transparency are more reassuring to me than promises of exclusivity or "elevating me above all others."

In contrast, I see that it was dishonesty, secrecy, and destructive relational habits that ended my marriage. X and I could have worked through his cheating if we had even a portion of friendship to fall back on. The relationship was broken long ago, before it began, really. I sometimes wonder what I thought I had in the beginning, aside from an emotional filler for my desperate desire not to be alone.

Nearly every friendship I've ever had has been deeper and more honest than my marriage.

Eye-opening.

Yet, after a great deal of thought, I know I'm not presently capable of remaining emotionally healthy in a half-polyamorous relationship, not even with Nick. I'm not letting go of my dear friend, but there is a clear line in our relationship we have agreed not to cross for the sake of remaining close.

I can be his best friend and support him through his relationships ... but I can't be involved sexually and honestly accept who he is without falling apart myself ... at least not unless I change a great deal more than I can imagine myself changing right now.

There is too much destruction and instability in my past to even begin facing sex without guarantees of stability and privacy, never mind my personal preference ... which is clearly monogamy.

It's not surprising.

There are many lifestyles I know I couldn't survive with my personality, skills, and internal perspectives on life. Polyamorous relationships have joined that list, right after cross-fit training and a vegan diet.

I'll be researching the various ways people build relationships, though. This research has made me aware of how little I know of the many ways that relationships work, and how different people have different needs. As usual, "Everybody is like this, so anyone who is different is messed up," turns out to be a false premise.

I'm also more "abnormal" than I realized.

I love new variations on perspectives I once took for granted, even when it's sometimes a little painful to find myself standing in a different place than I expected because of these realizations.  Interesting. Creative. It's fascinating how different and beautiful people can be.

I can't offer a healthy romantic relationship right now ... and it's okay

It took me years to believe in friendship. Years to really learn to live that exchange of meaning and presence that turns strangers into the people who transform your life so much that you have no idea who you'd be without them. And I desperately need friendship right now.

There is this THING that happens when I start wondering, "Might we be together? Could I give him that additional level of love that is generally reserved for one special person?"

Basically, I turn into a panic-stricken, raving lunatic.

I imagine horrible things about men who are gentle and honorable.

First Hawk.

Now Nick.

These kind men can seem to be monsters, cloaked in darkness. Ravening liars just waiting for a chance to stand back and laugh over my broken heart. Angry. Bitter. Annoyed at the person I am. Resentful of me for thinking of them, for asking to know them, for wanting to talk with them.

Of course it is all lies.

Every common sense observation of their interactions with me makes it obvious that these things aren't true. Unlike the gaslighting and emotional manipulations that characterized X, they consistently prove themselves to be kind, respectful, loving, genuine, honest ... yet my emotions just don't respond to common sense. The reality is drowned out by the bitter voices of my past, spewing poison into my mind.

I don't believe myself when I tell the truth. I can't shout loud enough on my own to fight those thoughts. My only defense is to ask for truth from the person himself, and my other friends also.

I hang on tight to the man I saw before all the craziness took over, and choose not to let go until my mind grows clear again.--Sounds like a fairy tale or something.

This is why it's a good thing I figured out friendship first. We were transparent as we built our relationship, and because we are friends above all, I can hang onto those realities no matter what.

Without the friendship, there wouldn't be a relationship anymore. I would self-destruct over every little thing, and no matter how compassionate Nick might be, he can't fix me from the inside. He can only help me heal myself. We need the friendship to handle this transition in my emotions as I process the "what might we be to each other?" questions.

Nick is capable of keeping up with me through this insanity in a way Hawk wasn't. And that's amazing to me. He invites me to call, to panic, to text ... to tell him my confused imaginings and question his intentions. He worries that he might not be available when he's busy, and that waiting to hear back from him might hurt me.

I hoped to find the kind of relationship in Hawk that Nick offers as naturally as breathing.

It wasn't in Hawk to do more than be patient with me, and I'm well aware of the fact that my request for more wasn't fair to him at all. You can't ask people to act out of character. Now that I'm not wanting more than friendship from him, I see him for who he is again. No more imagining he hates me. Our friendship was always good and solid.

I still don't understand why I kept feeling so fearful when I was the one burdening Hawk with all the weight of my hopes, and he was the one who had every right to feel pressured even though we didn't talk about my feelings much. He hasn't brought it up again since we established who we are to each other clearly. Have I mentioned he's a kind man?

I find this humorous, in a way. This transition is just too unexpected. Nick? Really?

Now it's all the same emotional junk pouring out, only this time there is plenty of room to talk it through.

It is so obviously my own problem (and understandable given my history of verbally abusive relationships, from teachers to X) and it's good to know these emotional landmines have nothing to do with the individual I'm looking at.

There was a time when even new friends triggered these responses. I'm amazed to realize it doesn't happen anymore. I've grown! Wow...

I don't know what Nick and I will become. We're friends. We love each other. And this is enough, for now. I don't want to make big decisions while I'm still psycho-girl, and Nick agrees that we have all the time in the world to find out what the future holds. We share the belief that it is more important to remain friends--no matter what happens--than to somehow force our relationship into one structure or another that might not fit us.

I just hope the other side of this process leaves me capable of offering a healthy romantic relationship to someone, because I really don't like the frustrations caused by this crazy, fearful, sick person who takes over sometimes. I'd like her to become at least healthy and loving ... even if she's still crazy.

For me, crazy might be normal.

Maybe success is simply loving people well.

I was talking to Nick the other night about that painful feeling when you realize a relationship isn't capable of handling a certain type of closeness,... not because you don't want it to,... but simply because the best we can offer is friendship ... or even distance, sometimes.

He's on the other end of a similar experience to what I've been facing, since he had to reject someone's request for a closer relationship because they damage each other when they're too close. And that isn't easy, either.

It's really rare for anyone to clearly say that love isn't about being in "the closest possible relationship" but about making sure both of you are healthy, strong, or at least healing within the relationship. 

Love cares more about how the quality and types of interaction affect each other than it does about some external construct of the way love ought to play out. 

How do you know when the best relationship you can offer someone is friendship?

See, Hawk and I had this discussion. 

I was waiting, you know ... for him to think about it and decide if he might be interested in adding another level to our relationship. I knew his answer was encoded in our communications already ... the "it's not going to happen" was implied. But for some reason I really needed to hear him say it. 

Did I say this directly? No. Maybe I should have. Next time I might face down the fear of having someone say, "I can't accept more from you, really." 

But he figured out what I needed and told me clearly and firmly, "What I feel toward you isn't romantic."

He appreciated what I offered, though, and didn't reject the love ... simply one of the ways love might have played out. I told him that I would instead love him as a friend and support him that way, and he accepted. 

It was inspiring to feel free to offer what he is capable of accepting from me. Friendship is a gift. I don't know. I often think we need a better term for caring deeply about someone for unselfish mutual benefit, because "love" is such a corrupt term and friendship has such a casual connotation for most people.

I have a choice, now, between three kinds of "love." 

I can "love" him for my own benefit. (Not really love, in my opinion.)

I can love him for HIS benefit.

or 

I can love him with a love that is for everyone, equally, and that love extends to encompass both his life and my own ... because we are both connecting points within networks of relationship ... and ...

who we are to each other affects everyone we touch.

This is very, very important, and true for everyone from family and friends to life-partners. 

Culturally,... we tend to tie more on top ... the love plus the romance ... the love plus the expectation of ... well ... it could be any benefit we see as intrinsic to love, however we categorize the term. 

Love isn't the part we add to the relationship that looks at how the other can serve oneself, but rather it looks to create a healthy place for both.

I made a graphic out of my examples:  Feel free to share.

I had this same choice with X.

I gave him everything in the black lines, and only learned how to live the second kind of love toward him by recognizing how the first kind twisted everything in life, especially our relationship. 

It was better for him, for both of us, for everyone ... to be apart. When a relationship is not only mutually destructive, but also a negative influence on family and friendships, then it's time to consider what it is you think you're building. 

By the time I learned to love him well, the best way to love him was to leave ... because anything else would have been a wide-spread lie. Because that corrosion of relationship isn't love ... it's an unfulfilled expectation that is wearing the label "love." Our reality was his abuse and my acceptance of that treatment from him, along with the influence that relationship had on everyone. Not love. 

If I had latched on to the idea of Hawk and I together ...or  if Nick had tried to stay with the girl ... it would have been based on those same destructive mental patterns. I don't think we're alone in this, either. 

Real love exists by facing the full reality of a situation and finding the unique pathway that offers what is best for everyone. Or ... at least ... to the best of our ability. (Sometimes we are not our own ideal of ourselves, and admitting this is difficult.) People must be free to be who they are, where they are in life. That is the only way to have anything honest or real, even if this sometimes means the most honest and real act is to leave each other to more beneficial relationships. 

I read a small portion of the letter I wrote (from my conversation with  Hawk) to Nick. And Nick said, "I feel like you wrote that to me, because that is how you handle our relationship, too. You could say that to any of your friends, I think." 

It's true. 

Love. Real love ... is something you can give anyone. 

It's not about romance or marriage or ... that feeling of being "in love" ... it's the core of caring for and about someone. Now that I realize this, it won't be as difficult to admit and allow love,... or at least not the real kind. Expectations will always be painful to work through, I think.

Shouldn't it be normal to love?
Isn't love the best foundation for any type of interaction between people?
I'd like to figure out how to live that way with everyone. 

I'm so thankful for friends who help me figure this out. (and not "just for Thanksgiving")

-----

I'm linking up with the Faith Barista community again, for the topic:
Share a reflection or story about your journey walking through the Thanksgiving season.
Click through for more stories.

3 perspectives on love - from my "alternate personalities"

I am frustrated, tired, and annoyed with myself right now ... so irritated at the angst and stress when I don't hear from Hawk, even though it's entirely to be expected because he's busy and we're NOT DATING! Duh!

Here's the thing ... I don't always entirely believe what I think or tell myself I believe.

At any given moment I may communicate only half the continuing debate. Just because I find balance at the end of each cycle of internal disruption doesn't mean I'm always in agreement with myself.

There are two of me ... maybe three?

1. Emotion rises up from within to demand that I ask for more. I want to date! I want to know Hawk loves me. I want to be desired for who I am as a person. I want to help him more directly. I want to be the one who he turns to when he feels lonely. I want ... more time?... more than this small glimpse of who he is. I want to understand him completely!
   
   What about Hawk's response to this passion ... and probable rejection?  I don't really want to be rejected, or pushed away. Well, it will be devastating if he doesn't love me, too, but knowing I have been rejected is preferable to wondering if I actually would be. Right? I can always be the friend he rejected. Why not just tell him to get it over with? Then we'd have it all out in the open and I'd stop worrying about it. How can I even begin to call this "wanting" love?
   
2. Reason tries to clamp down on emotion with rational, external explanations for everything. I don't even know if we'd get along in a dating relationship. It's not right to ignore Hawk's perspective and he doesn't seem ready to talk about this. It's okay to get to know him for now. We can always figure it out later. Now is not the time to ask him what he thinks. He's been busy. I'm reading thoughts into his hesitations and pauses that may not be there. Stop being so emotional!
   
   Friendship is more stable and less demanding, so why rock the boat? I'm fine alone. I don't need a romance right now, anyway. It's all too complicated to just charge in.... Even if he does decide he loves me that way, there's no guarantee that it would work out. After all, I'm the one who said I didn't want to be in a relationship right now. I chose this path, knowing I felt more than I was willing to pursue.
   
3. In the end, I become unconcerned.  Perhaps this is faith. I don't know.
   
   I have already gained so much encouragement and insight from knowing him, and he says he's been helped and encouraged by knowing me, too. No matter what happens next, we will both be fine. Neither of us is desperately dependent, and that is good. Life will go on no matter what happens.
   
   Any relationship is a third element. Two individual personalities, perspectives, and life experiences are the strands that weave its fabric. If we are to be together this decision will happen mutually, when it's time. If we see a chance that will benefit us, we can take it at that time. What we have now is good, too. 

This final perspective is the part of me that realizes I'm not in control of life, only my awareness and reactions. If I try too hard, I often create new problems or fight windmills. If I take each step as it comes, I will deal with real problems or opportunities when they arise. No need to worry, or struggle, or fight within myself.

When I listen to this part of myself, I'm fine from the inside out. However, I think this calm only comes after the storm. I wouldn't be able to hear this quiet voice if I hadn't processed both the emotional and the reasoning honestly, taking them both as constructive elements of who I am and not trying to shut either voice down.

Emotion may weep over heartbreak and gaze at the moon in a haze of happiness. Reason may list all the possibilities and how best to face them. Faith recognizes that both the beauty and the terrible in life exist independent of my understanding or emotions. Together they create the frame through which I interact with the world.

And in the end, I will choose to be honest with Hawk about all three of these internal voices, because anything less isn't true friendship. I will trust him to work through what it all means to him, and how he will respond to me in light of it. At that time, I will feel what I feel ... and think what I think.

How can I possibly know what that will be? No matter what, I'll be fine.

(I do realize this isn't "alternate personalities" in a clinical sense. I'm amused at how distinctive the voices are in my internal debates, but I'm pretty sure I'm always myself, no matter which perspective feels loudest.)

Emotional Landmines - What to do

It has taken me three days to write up my emotional response to a single phrase during a conversation with Hawk last Tuesday evening. I'm shocked at how deep and irrational my thoughts were at the time. It feels miraculous that I kept enough sanity to shield him from the explosion.

You see, he is busy, very busy, with his life and work and local friendships. I knew he was making time in his schedule to talk with me, but I had no idea how much pressing business he was pushing aside to open space for our conversations. As he told me of all the tension he's been under, I suddenly realized I hadn't valued our calls nearly enough.

Along with that realization came the trigger thoughts that have been lurking ever since we agreed on active friendship. "What if I'm too much trouble? Am I a burden? Maybe he hates the fact that I want to talk to him! Maybe he just doesn't know how to turn me down."

One thought slipped through, into the conversation. "Oh, I hope I'm not part of that pressure." I knew very well that making space for me would be an added tension, especially since he's been far more busy than usual. Obviously it would be another element to that whole collection of "things to do." But, no. I had to say it.

And because he promised to be honest with me about everything ... he said, "Well, sometimes."

My heart dropped. I wanted to cry because it hurt so much, and at the same time I was so grateful, and thrilled that he had taken time for me in spite of it all. And it was the increase in gratitude that I communicated ... which is amazing, in retrospect. It was the only worthwhile response I had to that phrase for the rest of the evening.

Our conversation was pleasant and full. He had a cough, but wouldn't get off the phone even though I offered to wait and talk when his throat healed. There were so many beautiful topics and realizations, and I enjoyed it thoroughly.

But the moment I hung up the phone, the fear that his voice had pushed aside snatched me in a strangling grip. I'm not sure what I did for the next hour or so, though I could hardly stay still. My mind was completely wrapped in how to free Hawk from the burden he had inadvertently stumbled into by accepting my friendship.

Could I stop loving him?
Should I never text or call again?
Maybe an explanation would help him realize I hadn't meant to hurt him.
Maybe I'll never be able to fix this horrible situation.
Will he ever forgive me?
Who do I think I am, loving anyone!
Don't I know that love from me isn't a gift, but a burden?
Why would I think anyone could tolerate me?
I should just let him know I won't bother him anymore.

Shaking, I logged into facebook and saw Ree was online. "Want to help me regain my sanity?" I typed, hoping she'd help me figure out how to phrase the email to apologize.

After a quick summary of the pressure he'd been under, what I had said, his comment, and an overview of my emotional response after the call ended, she sweetly said, "Forgive me if it sounds like I'm not being serious, but you are so cute .... I'm serious. YOU ARE ADORABLE," which was so complete an improbable and unreal response to my confession that I had to laugh at the shock of clarity it brought.

"This is normal," she continued, "You're overcompensating. You're supposed to go through all this."

Suddenly I was able to remember how excited he had gotten when I mentioned I would soon have a *guest post published. And the rest of our conversation came flooding back through the sudden gap in my angst, restoring perspective. As we talked, I remembered more and more of the positive interactions Hawk and I have shared.

I felt sane again. I couldn't figure out why I had reacted the way I did. It was so totally out of proportion to that small comment. Why?

A similar incident last spring during a visit with another friend triggered a series of painful incidents. It took me several days to realize that my fade into an alternate reality at the time had resulted from the latent fears still lurking from my relationship with my ex. I acted in a way that was completely out of character, and it scared me to lose so much of myself without even realizing it, unable to see anything but the fear.

Ever since, I've been desperately hoping to catch myself before inflicting damage on anyone, again. This time I hadn't acted on the emotional possibilities, all of which would have definitely harmed our friendship and possibly hurt Hawk as well.

The next evening Mica and I had a chance to talk it over. She was angry at Hawk for not sensing how much damage he would cause, as I'd known she would be. Her anger gave me a chance to explore all the reasonable explanations why he had said it. Since Hawk has only seen me being strong in this area, how could he know how much it would hurt me? In fact, I'm purposely not telling him about this particular landmine, because I don't want to give him a reason not to be honest.

Mica agreed that the emotional landmine came from my experiences with my ex, also, and forgave Hawk for being human. She's very protective of my heart, since she was my safe place to explore what I was learning from my marriage before I finally buried the stinking skeleton of the relationship and let it rest in peace.

I learned something important from this. I have an insane terror of being a burden. (This is what comes of being treated as a burden for 17 years. Even on my best days I was always in debt to my ex for something.)

If I must have emotional landmines, at least I've begun to learn a few helpful techniques for managing them this time around.

1. Remember to be grateful. 
   If I had responded out of fear, our conversation would have ended very badly. But because I remembered to thank him we were able to have an enjoyable conversation that helped me to snap out of the emotional explosion later that evening.
2. Don't act on terror-induced plans.
   NOT doing anything right away was a good move. Once I stabilized, I realized there was nothing to do because there was no problem beyond my emotional instability. But if there had been a problem, I'd have come up with a far better solution after the storm. My ideas were terrible!
   (Please note, I am in a safe place. If you or a loved one are EVER threatened physically or have been trapped in long-term, emotionally abusive environment, please do follow a 'crazy' plan to get away and get out. Fear's adrenaline rush can take you past those internal barriers that would keep you caged otherwise. It's best, if you think you might need an escape plan, to start making one now even if you think you'll never have the courage to follow through.)
3. Contact a trusted friend.
   Ree knew the history and context of our relationship. She knows what I've been through, and she accepts me no matter what. She also appreciates the clear descriptions I've given of Hawk's character, so she wasn't going to let me turn him into a monster just because I hate myself sometimes.
4. Look at the conversation from the opposing perspective.
   (To the best of your ability.)
   Mica helped me think of less destructive reasons for his words that fit him better. Of course, I can't know for sure unless I ask him, but I trust what I know of his character. No matter what, I have to keep his own life-story, words, and actions in mind. He isn't my ex and he doesn't deserve to inherit a full dose of misapplied fear and mistrust. 

Will these action points work in other situations? I don't know. I'm still figuring this out myself.

*edited later to add the link

Facing the nightmares of the past

Note: a very mild trigger warning for rape survivors, skip the first paragraph. 

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A few nights ago I fell into an eerie, physical terror. It took hold with a strong sensation of being pinned and assaulted as I fell asleep. The sensation of forceful hands was still on my skin like a tangible presence even once I woke completely.
------


Needless to say I didn't sleep well for the rest of the night. The dream was as vivid as if it had been a real event, even the next morning.... Then I realized that it was actually something from the past that I'd managed to forget. There were a lot of those moments back then.

After the near-sleepless night and a day filled with waves of dizziness and tension, I was afraid I'd have another nightmarish night.

Years ago when the source of the dream was my daily life, I didn't trust the few people I could have turned to for help, thinking they'd push me away. I smothered my feelings and managed to forget ... nearly everything. I don't have many memories of those years, positive or negative.

But over the last few years I've been practicing trusting my friends. In the last year I was even able to ask for encouragement during my struggles, instead of waiting till after they were through to talk about it.

So I talked about it with a friend who has been visiting for the last couple days, appreciating how she let me talk when I wanted to talk, then distracted me from the problem when I was ready to be distracted. But when her family returned to the hotel for the evening, I was still wrapped in tension.

Ree and Mica were not yet online in their respective time zones, and I thought about messaging a few others, but they weren't available yet either. My kids were safely in bed, and I was on my own.

Usually, I'd huddle down with a book and hope to dream about the story instead, but this time another idea kept nagging for attention.

If only I could talk to Hawk for a few minutes ... it would be enough to calm me.

I sat there and fought through my fear of rejection.... The truth is if I'm going to call him my friend, I have to treat him as a friend. And that means trusting him and reaching out for help when I have a hard time, just as I hope he would do with me.

This is the sort of thing I need friends for.

So I texted and asked if we could talk for just a few minutes so he could help me process something that was haunting me. My hands shook as I hit send. The screen filled my entire vision as I realized I'd actually done it.

A couple minutes later my phone rang. I jumped a mile, since I had the volume up too loud.

It was so hard to let the words out as I explained about the dream, told him how it was messing with me,... and that I was hoping, since his voice calms me so well, that maybe he would talk to me for a few minutes about his day or something and help me.

His voice was so gentle. He asked a few questions to understand what had happened, then just said, "I understand what dreams can do." Then he told me about his week, that he felt like he was coming down with something, that he was planning to take a walk once we finished talking.... I wanted to cry it was such a relief to listen to him and feel concern for him instead.

When I laughed at a funny moment in his story, he paused for a moment. "It's good to hear you laugh." He always calms me. My emotions settle and I'm able to think more clearly for a day or two after.

I had told him I'd only take a few minutes, so moved to end the conversation as he finished his story  even though (I believe) he would have stayed on the phone with me longer. I could easily think too highly of him, this is clear. I'm a 'little' idealistic when I like anyone.

So far he always overwhelms me by surpassing my small hopes for common courtesy with genuine kindness and compassion. It was so healing to reach out fearfully and find our friendship sturdy, strong enough to keep me from falling apart.

I chatted with a few other friends that evening, letting them know to check on me and see how I'm doing, and catching up on their lives. When I fell asleep I was calm and not a single dream remained with me when I woke yesterday morning, feeling rested.

Trust is difficult.

It's easy to break friendships when they are founded on false fronts, masks, or idealized views of who someone must be. It's easy to decide this breaking is inevitable and never trust anyone in an attempt to prevent it.

It is worth the pain of breaking my heart to discover the strong relationships. I won't know their strength unless I give them a chance to break. The surprising thing, though, is how very strong I have found my closest friendships to be.

I couldn't have imagined this when I lived trapped in fear.

I needed to write this event out to face it ... which is why I'm sharing this. I was actually mid-composition on comparing my past and present views on friendship when the dream yanked me into this post instead, so that should be up soon.

When people try to change who you are ....

Part of the reason I'm so comfortable with Hawk is because he lets me be where I am. He hasn't shown any inclination to try and change what I think, how I respond, etc. If he disagrees, he presents his opinion as his own opinion and doesn't in any way insinuate that I ought to think differently as a result. We simply learn from each other.

In my experience, that's amazing.

In contrast, I spent seventeen years with my ex telling me what I thought and what I felt.  He also attempted to predefine what I ought to think and feel. Just to make it more mind-bending, I was frequently treated as a liar or an enemy when I stated my view, especially about our relationship, feelings, or even verifiable events and actions at times. 

The church we were attending ended up handling our situation in a very similar way, calling me un-submissive for disagreeing with my ex. when he twisted the truth. It was odd. They agreed that he was abusive, then blamed me for pushing him to act that way by not complying with his demands.

I guess they couldn't even see the depth of the problem because they really believe authority is meant to work in that top-down, forceful way, themselves. They even wanted to limit the books I could read so I wouldn't encounter unauthorized ideas that disagreed with their position that I was the main problem in our situation, because I found it unendurable. Of course, the more blatant problems of his attitude concerned them, but they felt he might do better if I helped by not making him face such difficulty.  

By the time the church counselors entered the picture in the final attempt (there were multiple previous attempts throughout the years) at making our relationship conform to the acceptable pattern, I had become pretty good at thinking through opposition. They could only make me think more deeply. In the end, their intervention clarified what I saw, understood, and believed because I had to ask myself their questions, face their judgement, and widen my perspective to see and correct the flaws and instability in my position.

For a long time I had wondered if I was so good at lying ... that I could lie to myself convincingly enough ... to actually believe I felt and thought ... what I must have originally only pretended to think and feel ... in order to get my way somehow ... or maybe just because I wanted to prove I could? 

Don't worry if that paragraph was hard to read. It really doesn't make any sense. 

By the end of my marriage, I figured out that I could understand my thoughts. I don't always know why my emotions react to situations the way they do. But my thoughts? I do know what I'm thinking.

And once I knew what I thought, I realized that I had to live as myself.

Anything else would be lying.

Lying is easier (because people expect conformity) and it feels safer to stay in a mislabeled box on the wrong shelf. In order to really grow and not just fake it I had to let people see my thoughts in action, knowing some would reject me for not being who they imagined I must be.

I had always been afraid I would lose 'everyone' by being myself. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy because I had set myself up for it by trying to outwardly fit their expectations. Once I saw I'd never really had them in the first place, I chose to accept it. And it was then that I began to clearly see the quality of my friendships.

It's not that these individuals didn't care about me. Many took the time to attempt to change my mind because they sincerely believed my choices would be destructive and they wanted to protect me. Eventually they realized I would have to make my own mistakes to realize what they were convinced I needed to learn. Some withdrew completely because they couldn't make me learn the easy way, by taking their word for it and I suppose they didn't want to watch. Some were angry. Some felt betrayed because I wasn't fulfilling their expectations of who I was. Some grieved for me because they didn't want me to suffer the consequences they felt must be inevitable.

Like purchasing a boxed product and finding something else inside when you get home, there were returns and disappointment. When I chose to leave my ex, the church leadership announced that they had removed me from the congregation, told the members not to talk with me except to ask me to comply, and explained to me that they couldn't allow me to "fellowship" on church property since my existence was in opposition to their authority. I could always conform and come back, of course.

On the other hand, a very few local friends (people in my church) realized they appreciated me even more as myself. Even knowing that I am always a mixture of wisdom already learned, questions to be explored, and life experiments. (I will fail many times along the way to finding solutions.)

None of my online friends rejected me. I'd been more honest with them, you see. They were the ones who taught me I could be both myself AND accepted in the first place.

So if you find yourself where I was (and I hope you'll never be in such a painful situation!) I know it's very difficult to face. Here is what I've learned:

1. There are people in the world who will appreciate the real you. 
2. They can see you for who you are and love you. 
3. They will ask you for advice because they observe you've learned something they want to know.
4. They will assist you in becoming the best of yourself at your own pace. 
5. They will be honest about their mistakes and problems.
6. They will encourage the good they see in you instead of dragging you back or pushing you around. 
7. They will tell you their life story without thinking yours will turn out the same.
8. They will challenge you, because they want you to ask the questions that make you stronger.
9. And they know it takes time and experience to learn, too. 

Do your best to be this kind of friend to others, first. Even though it's scary. The world needs more people who know how to accept others for who they are. You know this very well.

Be yourself. It's worth it. 

I thought I'd never 'fall in love' again ...

I wrote the following letter in my journal, then thought long and hard before sending it to Hawk. I'm doing my best to be respectful of his reservations, but also to be as honest as I am with my other friends. This time I sent it. Who knows how he'll respond.

I'm probably not the only one who has gone through this process after thinking they'd never love again, which is why I'm sharing the story here too.

I've always been so relieved to discover others who are going through what I'm facing, so I'm hoping to share the feeling with you.

The Letter:

Remember how you talked about seeing the campfire surrounded by people you didn't know, and how that atmosphere was pleasant to you even though you weren't part of the circle?

Often the world seems cold and dark, dangerous and difficult. Some people are like the stars, distant reminders (some from the past) that there is light and beauty in the night. Some are closer, present, or separated by a fence or hedge through which I only glimpse their light … some invite me into the circle … some do not. Either way, I benefit from the sight.

I have my own fire, too, a place of comfort and of challenge, a place where I welcome friends and family. I try to keep the fences down so the people who need me can draw near easily, knowing that this is a small thing that might mean a lot to someone, as it does to me.

In my heart there was a space I thought had been completely annihilated.

I felt blinded so I could not see it clearly, deafened so I could not hear it speak, and my nerves seemed to have been cut so it could not be touched. I thought that portion would always remain isolated, a living death in the darkness, drowned beneath the tears I never had the chance to weep before they were locked away. It seemed obvious nothing and nobody could reach inside.

I chose to compensate by making the rest of my life as bright and warm as possible, but that particular emptiness continued to silently drag me back toward depression.

Then, last Nov/Dec your presence effortlessly took flame in the center of that shattered place. I couldn't help but see your light, hear your voice, feel the warmth of your character even from a distance. It was and is beautiful, painful, frightening, and amazing. Because of you that part of my existence is open so I can face it properly. I can at last begin to dig out the lies, reconstruct with truth, and heal.

It is as if God is letting me know that even such severe damage is not a hopeless case. There may always be scars … but scars can be transformed to beauty with creativity. I don't have to wait till 'heaven' to start.

You will always be significant to me ... because just your existence is enough to remind me to continue forward. It's impossible not to hope I can give you meaningful gifts, too, somehow.

So ... thank you for being who you are. I'm glad God designed you and arranged for me to have the opportunity to know you better.

One benefit of surviving pain

As I get to know Hawk, I'm realizing that pain is pain. There is no such thing as comparing the validity of the experience or who gets to say they had it worse.

He suffered too, which may be why he gets it when I talk about the things I learned from my marriage. But when he talks about his experiences, he knows. He knows that feeling of not being able to bear it, of having nowhere else to turn, or having to give up and not knowing how.

I'm so thankful that those experiences woke him up instead of ...

Well, let me back up to how I used to deal with the pain so you can see the contrast.

I used to block the pain by filling my mind with a variety of things that effectively kept me numb to my experiences.

1. Anger, blame, bitterness. - When I could simplify the problem as someone else's fault, giving me no choice, then I felt there was nothing I could do.
2. And so I felt free to fill my mind with distractions.- I could forget. I could even feel happy and pretend I enjoyed my life, so long as I didn't think about it. 

(Now, as a temporary measure distraction is excellent. I use it every month when my moods swing into depression because I know the source and that it is a rise in sensitivity that will go away on schedule. Recognizing when someone is actively causing harm is fine, too, since it's not healthy to take the blame for problems you didn't cause.)

When blame and distraction become a constant state, they're not so helpful. I was emotionally numb, cognitively asleep, and unable to function in stable relationship with anyone.  It wasn't until I broke down and faced my pain that I began to heal. Because facing it for real forced me to change. I knew if I didn't alter something, I'd go right back to the numb cloud, and by that point I was suicidal, so it wasn't comforting to stay there. (I had a lot of help ... but that's another story.)

So, Hawk took his pain and faced it. He let it wake him up from the general sense that everything can be handled if you just manipulate life enough. He realized "there are problems I can't handle alone."  Facing the destruction of his dreams changed his perspective. And now he is even more compassionate than before because he knows how painful it is to face such overwhelming odds.

People who haven't been there rarely know what to say to someone at the breaking point. It's one of the benefits of surviving ... that you can then help others make it through and begin healing.

Like me, he has scars and unhealed wounds. I feel privileged to be connected to him, because he has every reason to keep others away, to close them out. Yet we are friends, and I am trusted with his story.

That's amazing!

How to deal with past pain ... now

Nobody can take the burden of being "the one who heals" the other.

Some try.

During my marriage I often thought of myself as the healer ... the restorer ... the savior ...  of everyone, really,... and it tore me to pieces. I accepted accusations of failure even though I really didn't have the resources to handle the abuse, the demands, the constant drain.

Who knows why I thought I should have that strength. I was very religious, so in a way, I felt the ability to be enough for other's expectations and needs must be an inherent characteristic of good people. I wanted to be good so I tried to act the role. I thought it was my responsibility to fix everything, for others first and myself ... never.

It wasn't.

I was trying to be the sea when I was merely a channel somewhat capable of transporting water. And that, only as long as I hadn't been blocked by damage to my structure.  The blockage and damage were significant. We were in the same place of need, and I was trying to have enough for everyone. I needed a healer myself.

With Hawk the relationship is very different. I'm not trying to fix him, though it will be nice if he heals within our friendship. What I am doing is consciously allowing myself to heal because he very conveniently stumbles into my wounds and alerts me to their presence. And I'm being honest with him about that process whenever it arises between us.

He doesn't even have to try. Just living his independent life is enough to trigger my wounds at this point. When I want to cling and feel sad because he's not right there taking care of me, I realize how easy it is to be dependent ... to put the burden of my healing on another.

It's not his job!

Even if we were dating it would be wrong of me to expect that level of over-protection from him. So I don't expect it. I did let him know that I consciously choose not to demand anything of him, even if I might react emotionally at times and then realize later the full spectrum of what I was expecting and need to apologize.

He is still healing, himself, after all.

We both have our own first-aid kits, and it so happens that we each have some items (healing practices and attitudes) that the other doesn't. We can share that knowledge and insight with each other, and so heal a little faster. I can learn from him whether he triggers my hurt or my joy. And I'm so thankful that he is a gentle person, because he doesn't make things worse as a general rule. In fact, he is very encouraging.

I'm used to being told where I ought to be by far too many people, and have been surprised at how accepting he is of  "where I actually stand."

Because I'm already wounded I will be easily hurt by Hawk. I already know this, so hopefully it won't surprise me too much. Even doctors cause pain as they attempt to understand the extent of the damage, and as they actively assist in healing there is often further pain.

Pain is necessary information. It lets me know where problems are, and often whether I've found a solution specific to the problem. I  remain aware of my needs and path to healing by asking these kinds of questions.

• Why does this hurt me?
• Has he actually done something purposefully to hurt me, or is he just dealing with his own stuff?
• Is my current pain only because of what just happened, or is it bringing up older wounds that haven't been dealt with?
• Do I need to let him know how I feel about this, or is this feeling so disconnected from what he did that it is better to face the past before I overreact?
• Have I acknowledged that past hurt and faced the damage it did to me?
• Do I need to forgive anyone? (This isn't for their sake, but for mine. Hanging onto the past wounds me physically as well as emotionally. A bitter or fearful attitude affects my body by preventing me from resting, preventing my body from healing naturally, and by triggering unneeded emergency chemical communications through my system to further burn out my nerves and cells.)
• How could I respond differently to this situation?
• Am I believing any lies as a result of the wound?
• What could I change in the way I deal with this that might change how it affects me?

Then I tell myself.

"I can't control what others do, but I'm always in charge of how I respond. How can I turn this into a story that will help me (and others) heal without trying to control anyone other than myself?"

And then, I move toward living that story. Or at least I do on good days.... This is why I need healthy friendships to help me keep balance. It isn't a quick ... or easy process. I often face the same lie again and again, each time sneaking up in a slightly different disguise.

"Everyone who is nice to me is lying," is one lie I've had to battle for years.

I still fight with it as I deal with Hawk ... because he is very kind to me. *laugh* I view that kindness with a suspicion he doesn't deserve.

But I'm learning to tell the truth instead of the lie when I hear it in my head.

"There are people who pretend to be nice just to deceive or get what they want, so it's okay to stay alert and identify individual patterns. BUT for the most part people who are kind actually mean it, and it is healthier for me to take their word for it."

As a result, I remain open enough to discover new friends, which is worth a few painful moments now and then.

Honesty and Restraint - becoming friends

This post is excerpted from my journal, edited, and back-dated to the day of writing.

What Hawk said last night, during our discussion of how much phone time we will have and what limits are best so he won’t feel pressured has sent me off on an analysis of how I view relationships in general, and what defines the difference between friendship, dating, engagement, marriage, etc.

I find this ironic since, last year, I was at first entirely certain I’d never be interested in any man ever again, and then (after the shock of realization that I was attracted to Hawk) determined to force him out of my head … which didn't work so well.

(Ree took the brunt of that flood of ranting about how unfair it is that I should fall in love ... and survived rather well -- even if she did laugh at me like the true friend she is.)

Hawk's comment, as best I can remember was, “If we were dating I’d understand talking every day, but since we’re friends I think a couple times a week is enough.”

I haven’t thought about dating yet … what with believing it couldn't happen and all. According to his measure of relationship as I understand it thus far, I’m linked to several of my friends at a frequency level that would make him feel nervous.

Which makes sense, since for him I’m a new discovery. He hasn't been thinking about me since last November ... like I've been thinking about him. He can have all the time he needs, since I took plenty myself … and STILL need more … How can he be both terrifying AND so very reassuring. Augh!

I’m prepared to adjust to his feedback, whatever it may be. I need that reality from him, too. That is what I hoped to learn from when I connected in the first place. If I must be attracted to someone, at least he is choosing to be honest while befriending me.

But the fact is, I’m always adjusting to the other person’s level of comfort in every friendship. So the reality isn't “I speak to all my friends every day,” but rather, “Sometimes we end up speaking every day for long periods of time, and other times I don’t hear from them for weeks or months, until I remind them that I’m beginning to be concerned about whether they’re still alive.” It probably does average out to “a couple times a week” sometimes even for my closest friends.

I know I can only maintain so many relationships at frequent, deep connection.

The weaker connections are naturally pressed out by the stronger, and they weave together, time-wise, in a way I sincerely believe is orchestrated. Somehow I always seem to have time when it’s really important, and so far if two friends need me at the same time I've either been able to manage going back and forth between them or there is someone else they can rely on instead.

Other times, I’m left feeling a bit disconnected when … aaaallll... my friends seem to be busy elsewhere. But I’m okay with being alone, too. Sometimes I purposefully keep the various social sites closed because I need silence and time to think … like today.

Because Hawk is uncomfortable with daily interaction right now, then that is where we are. And because I understand why … to some extent, at least … I’m fine with that.

I want the best for him, even if it means … losing him. I don’t want to think about not being friends with him right now. It makes me sad, since we just started.

But I will be very happy to hear from him … any time … just like I am with Mica, Ree, Bri, Nic,.... etc. Hawk could wake me up at 3am with a call like Nic did in his crisis and I’d be thrilled, even if I miss my sleep, because it would demonstrate that he trusts me and that trust is more important to me than my rest. (I’m not quite that patient with my kids … familiarity? Well, they have me all day, every day.)

Most of all, I accept his limits because those limits prove he trusts me with where he is. He was pretty honest about his usual strategy of avoidance when he feels overwhelmed, and that it was hard for him to be straightforward. He chose to imitate my transparency and trusted me to see his vulnerability through my disappointment.

So yeah, I'm feeling disappointed, but also ... thankful that this is real. Friendship is way more than I ever thought would happen between us.

Now that I’m left with the realization that it’s possible for me to love again, I guess it’s time to analyse what I think about relationships. What would qualify someone as date-able? Hmm...