Thursday, May 29, 2014

How to be a REAL Man (Dislike snark? Don't read.)


This article is meant to create shock and contrast for a common cultural blind spot, and does not convey my opinion of all men in general. YOU are clearly not the one I'm writing about ... because ... internet. I have no idea who you are. Frankly, if this were inspired by a person then I'd have spoken to him about it in person ... without the snark. Snark is a tool to help change perspective, not a way of life.

This is based on "real men" memes like the one below and my experience of modesty culture. If you LIKE real men memes then save yourself the stress of facing my sarcasm and go study this simple chart for determining whether someone is a real man, instead. It's much more polite.

If you enjoy watching someone twist the life out of a common phrase, then read on.

1. Real Men police women's skin exposure. 

Women are so desperate for male attention that sometimes they make dangerous fashion choices … you know …. immodest clothes,... ahem! Real Men are here to save the day.

Male-defined modesty is the best way to protect women from danger because all female skin is cursed by the Wicked Witch to turn Real Men into pigs who rape womenYou haven't heard? Just one glimpse can, in fact, turn a Real Man into a slavering pig against his will! This is incredibly SCARY for men, so you will understand why they feel it is their job to prevent women from being a problem.

An alternate tactic is for Real Men to pretend women are invisible, except for sneak peeks in order to test the strength of the curse so a woman can be informed of her inherent danger to Real Men everywhere. And if a man accidentally overdoses while looking, well....

Everyone knows he can’t help the result because that’s how curses work. A Real Man knows it's not his fault since she obviously didn't follow the Protective Guidelines, or was otherwise not trying hard enough to protect him from her own curse.

2. Real Men don’t look at or fall in love with immodest women.

This would put them in the category of pigs, according to certain inescapable internet memes. They do, however, reserve the right to reject any woman who comes across as overtly, sexually female, Looking down their noses also gives them an excellent view of … Wait! Uh, don’t talk about that.… It's dangerous! shhh! Even women who follow the Protective Dress Code can be a threat, but there are ways to inhibit the curse, primarily:  looking only in secret, marriage documents, or being immediate blood relatives.

Real Men broadly define immodesty as anything that tempts a man to actually notice a woman is female on an individual basis, due to some inconsistency in the curse depending on where one happens to live. Side note:  Male skin seems to be mostly neutral except for an area right around the hips. This isn’t a problem for Real Men, who are immune to the effect because they have regular exposure to their own on a daily basis ... (and anything else is off topic, so don't mention it. Seriously. Do. NOT. Mention. It. Too. Scary!)

The main issue comes down to the FEMALE skin problem because … the Wicked Witch! So don't go distracting us from the real problem here!

3. Real Men open doors for women 

(but not invisible, immodest non-women) 
Everyone knows how difficult doors can be, what with the complicated handles and using arm strength to open them and all. So Real Men open doors.

Women are notoriously incapable of opening doors, and if left to themselves might very well walk right into them! Nobody wants to see a woman with a bloody nose, just wandering around aimlessly, looking for an opening in the wall. So Real Men come to their rescue, unlike pigs who callously believe women know how to get through walls and into vehicles by themselves, possibly due to the Wicked Witch cursing them.

Did she manage to get in front of you somehow? Are your hands full of the bags that Real Men also carry for women? Just drop everything immediately, wherever you are, and sprint to open the door before she hurts herself! It’s really very simple.

4. Real Men fight! 

Yes, you heard me. No wimpy, effeminate respect or diplomacy here! Real Men know that if you want something, you should charge right in and make it yours. And if his property (real or imaginary) is threatened … well, a Real Man has no limits! They fight mean. They fight dirty. They fight to win!

Everyone knows women just make problems worse, so Real Men must be prepared to fight on their own against any perceived threat. And if his woman gets in his way, even by trying to help, so be it. She should have known better than to stand in the way of testosterone. Oh, don't forget sports! Sports, especially violent sports, are good for manly men, men, men, because … one must be prepared at all times to fight off the constant threat of the Wicked Witch! Scary! Also, pigs.

5. Real Men make sure their woman keeps the house clean.

This one is obvious, right? Only pigs allow someone else to leave a mess. Real Men also help their women improve themselves by telling them when something needs to be cleaned, loudly explaining stupid female mistakes to ensure they can hear their instructions, and letting them know when they run out of nachos and beer. This is actually very generous of Real Men, because otherwise how would women learn?

Also, everyone knows that the Wicked Witch is afraid of soapy water.

But don't think it neutralizes the female skin curse. Real Men do not feel disappointed about this at all, not in public anyway.

6. Real Men don’t accept help! 

Now, clearly, Real Men don’t actually need help. This is why things like asking directions and apologizing for accidents are both frightening openings for the curse to begin weakening male defenses. The best way to fight against the Wicked Witch and women everywhere is to refuse any and all assistance.

Also, admitting a mistake might cause those clueless women to think you are a pig. Scary!

7. Real Men command RESPECT! 

I know, I know, it’s really hard to believe this even needs to be said. Of course Real Men get respected just because they are men!

But, you know the Wicked Witch?... yeah ... She is a serious problem. You can see, now, how the only way Real Men can remain secure in their masculinity is to demand respect, right? It’s exhausting, really, to have to remind women of what ought to be automatic. No Real Man wants to live like a pig, slaving every day to earn a little respect here and there.

Obviously, that would be the worst existence EVER. Scary!


Based on the character quality of my male friends, I might say this problematic attitude seems to be less prevalent than it used to be. However, I read a lot of blogs that make me realize this isn't always so. It appears I am privileged to have befriended some of the best men out there.

I very much appreciate any person who treats others with respect, no matter their gender. I often open doors for people, myself, which apparently makes me a real man, too? That could be an interesting twist in my life story.

(This article was edited to add a warning intro and a semi-soothing postscript, for what it's worth.)